‘Then I lost my spirit’

Historical view of White’s Indiana Manual Labor Institute. Source: WTHR

I’m about to begin to re-tell the story of the First Nation-Farmer Climate Unity March. I originally wrote the story as it was happening, writing blog posts each evening that we walked during the eight days and ninety-four miles of the March, and then numerous articles about it since. The original website holding those writings and photos is: First Nation Farmer Climate Unity March.

I’ll be re-writing those stories from the perspective of eight years later, and about what I have learned since the March. The March was where I began to understand “what did not reach me… because it was withheld.” Where my channel to Native ways of being in the world began to form. Where knowledge was transferred.

I had read what I could find about forced assimilation prior to the March, but the knowledge did not transfer to me until someone I was beginning to know shared his personal story with me on an empty gravel road in Iowa.

I plan to continue to explore “What am I called to do now?”

Much of this relates to the significant, ongoing, intergenerational trauma of what were called Indian boarding schools. Nothing like the schools most of us who are not Native attended.

No, these were institutions of forced assimilation of Native children, where all kinds of trauma occurred.

It is important to hear the voices of the Native people affected by this. That is why I’m sharing the story Zitkála-Šá wrote about her boarding school experiences with you now.

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Zitkála-Šá

Zitkála-Šá (translated as “Red Bird” from the Dakota language, and also known by her missionary-given name, Gertrude Simmons Bonnin) became an influential Yankton Dakota writer, editor, translator, musician, and political activist.

She was born in 1876 on the Yankton Indian Reservation in South Dakota. At age 8, she went to White’s Indiana Manual Labor Institute, a Quaker Indian boarding school in Wabash, Indiana. She later attended Earlham College, a Quaker school in Richmond, Indiana. The same college I attended.

Her story, “The School Days of an Indian Girl,”was published in The Atlantic Monthly, February 1900, about her experiences at White’s Institute. She eloquently describes the horrors that happened to her there. She wrote, “Then I lost my spirit.”

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THE CUTTING OF MY LONG HAIR.

The first day in the land of apples was a bitter-cold one; for the snow still covered the ground, and the trees were bare. A large bell rang for breakfast, its loud metallic voice crashing through the belfry overhead and into our sensitive ears. The annoying clatter of shoes on bare floors gave us no peace. The constant clash of harsh noises, with an undercurrent of many voices murmuring an unknown tongue, made a bedlam within which I was securely tied. And though my spirit tore itself in struggling for its lost freedom, all was useless.

A paleface woman, with white hair, came up after us. We were placed in a line of girls who were marching into the dining room. These were Indian girls, in stiff shoes and closely clinging dresses. The small girls wore sleeved aprons and shingled hair. As I walked noiselessly in my soft moccasins, I felt like sinking to the floor, for my blanket had been stripped from my shoulders. I looked hard at the Indian girls, who seemed not to care that they were even more immodestly dressed than I, in their tightly fitting clothes. While we marched in, the boys entered at an opposite door. I watched for the three young braves who came in our party. I spied them in the rear ranks, looking as uncomfortable as I felt. A small bell was tapped, and each of the pupils drew a chair from under the table. Supposing this act meant they were to be seated, I pulled out mine and at once slipped into it from one side. But when I turned my head, I saw that I was the only one seated, and all the rest at our table remained standing. Just as I began to rise, looking shyly around to see how chairs were to be used, a second bell was sounded. All were seated at last, and I had to crawl back into my chair again. I heard a man’s voice at one end of the hall, and I looked around to see him. But all the others hung their heads over their plates. As I glanced at the long chain of tables, I caught the eyes of a paleface woman upon me. Immediately I dropped my eyes, wondering why I was so keenly watched by the strange woman. The man ceased his mutterings, and then a third bell was tapped. Every one picked up his knife and fork and began eating. I began crying instead, for by this time I was afraid to venture anything more.

But this eating by formula was not the hardest trial in that first day. Late in the morning, my friend Judéwin gave me a terrible warning. Judéwin knew a few words of English; and she had overheard the paleface woman talk about cutting our long, heavy hair. Our mothers had taught us that only unskilled warriors who were captured had their hair shingled by the enemy. Among our people, short hair was worn by mourners, and shingled hair by cowards!

We discussed our fate some moments, and when Judéwin said, “We have to submit, because they are strong,” I rebelled.

“No, I will not submit! I will struggle first!” I answered.

I watched my chance, and when no one noticed, I disappeared. I crept up the stairs as quietly as I could in my squeaking shoes,—my moccasins had been exchanged for shoes. Along the hall I passed, without knowing whither I was going. Turning aside to an open door, I found a large room with three white beds in it. The windows were covered with dark green curtains, which made the room very dim. Thankful that no one was there, I directed my steps toward the corner farthest from the door. On my hands and knees I crawled under the bed, and cuddled myself in the dark corner.

From my hiding place I peered out, shuddering with fear whenever I heard footsteps near by. Though in the hall loud voices were calling my name, and I knew that even Judéwin was searching for me, I did not open my mouth to answer. Then the steps were quickened and the voices became excited. The sounds came nearer and nearer. Women and girls entered the room. I held my breath and watched them open closet doors and peep behind large trunks. Some one threw up the curtains, and the room was filled with sudden light. What caused them to stoop and look under the bed I do not know. I remember being dragged out, though I resisted by kicking and scratching wildly. In spite of myself, I was carried downstairs and tied fast in a chair.

I cried aloud, shaking my head all the while until I felt the cold blades of the scissors against my neck, and heard them gnaw off one of my thick braids. Then I lost my spirit. Since the day I was taken from my mother I had suffered extreme indignities. People had stared at me. I had been tossed about in the air like a wooden puppet. And now my long hair was shingled like a coward’s! In my anguish I moaned for my mother, but no one came to comfort me. Not a soul reasoned quietly with me, as my own mother used to do; for now I was only one of many little animals driven by a herder.

Zitkála-Šá, “The School Days of an Indian Girl,” The Atlantic Monthly, February 1900, collected in American Indian Stories (1921), public domain via Project Gutenberg (#10376). Background on White’s Manual Labor Institute from the U.S. National Park Service and the American Friends Service Committee.